A Winter's Tale

Britain in grip of “lowest media standards ever recorded”, says report out today. 

A report out today says that Britain is in the grip of the lowest media standards ever recorded. Utility companies came in for harsh criticism after the early onset of winter failed to bring about the mass power failures and phone outages that could have protected people from the deluge of tedious and nauseating sludge still gushing from a crack in a dangerously volatile and bloated ego in the London and Metropolitan area, our media correspondent can report.

Our Information Analyst believes that the worst effects of the fog of tiresome jingoism that engulfed the country could “easily have been avoided” if people had been more prepared, and continued, “but what did you expect?” A spokesman for the Met. Office told reporters that December's cold snap had been accurately predicted weeks in advance and that there was no reason for power supplies and phone lines not to have crashed within 5 minutes of the snow starting.

“Instead, people were stuck in their homes having their intelligence insulted 24 hours a day by an assumption that they were even vaguely interested in idle speculation about Kate Middleton and a news agenda otherwise completely dominated by football and the fucking X-factor. Weather forecasters telling them what they already knew and to dress in clothing suitable for the conditions if venturing out, interspersed with footage of a shivering Nick Robinson standing outside 10 Downing Street day and night for no remotely discernible reason just added to the misery. It makes you wonder why we bother”, he wept.

“This sanity-threatening mud-slide of gruesomely-contrived clap-trap left millions ill quite unnecessarily. From now on, we’re only going to give ambiguous forecasts, with even more unnecessary and confusing graphics, in the hope that the population can enjoy the privations of rare but not unprecedented weather conditions without suffering cerebral aneurysms brought on by undiluted rage or simply expiring from the stultifying tedium. If you ask me if the weather might affect the Royal Wedding, I’ll have to stab you”, he explained.

Council leaders across the UK joined in and are said to be furious that their plans for complete nation-wide grid-lock after half an inch of sleet had fallen in London had been for nothing. “The failure of BT and the energy suppliers to halt mass exposure to this brain-curdling garbage is a savage indictment of their money-grabbing agenda”, said former trades unionist, Bob Gristle, who now earns £168,000 p.a. along with perks and a guaranteed bonus of £50K just for showing up at the fucking office occasionally. “Those poor sods stuck for hours in traffic jams the size of Wales should have at least been protected from exposure to this faux patriotic, chest-puffing bullshit and allowed to die of hypothermia instead of enduring this crap coming out their radios. Transmitters around the country should have been knocked out, but it seems there was no escape”, he said while repeatedly banging his hand in a car door for distraction.

Responding to critics while defending his role in the crisis, the editor of the bile-spewing Daily Mail, an objectionable buffoon by the name of Paul Dacre said, “We’ve been desperate to spew out this kind of asinine, flag-waving bollocks since the 80s, but hadn’t had the opportunity until now. We assumed distribution facilities simply wouldn’t cope, our web server would crash and that people would therefore be spared” adding, “but really, we couldn’t give a toss and will be churning out for this bilge for ever. It’s all we know. There are millions of cretins out there who enjoy being snowed under by this kind of shit. Honestly, we wouldn’t recognise an issue of significance if it jumped up and poked our eyes out.”