The Middle of the World is Nigh

In 1991, David Icke famously quit his job as a sports commentator with the BBC to embark on a new career as a messiah. Faced with a lifetime of being contractually obliged to feign boundless enthusiasm watching people getting paid a lot more than me for running and jumping or kicking and throwing things, I’d be down the nearest Job Centre Plus, too, but I might trim my aspirations; I’d settle for a nice, quiet benevolent dictatorship somewhere in the South Pacific, ideally somewhere otherwise uninhabited.

He told us that unidentified mediums had revealed to him a truth that had, until then, remained elusive to mortal man; unbeknownst to us, the world was ruled by descendants of pan-dimensional alien space lizards who inhabit an underground realm that overlaps the boundaries of this and many other dimensions. By dint of three invasions over many millennia they utilised their shape-changing powers and bred with humans.

Dave still believes this and for only £3 a month, complete idiots can subscribe to his internet newsletters to find out why. For the avoidance of doubt and in the interests of legality, I must stress that to the best of my knowledge David Icke is not and never has been forcibly detained under the Mental Health Act and continues to prosper, this latter detail being well worth pondering in these austere times.

Dave reckons these diabolical monsters have now successfully infiltrated all our political, corporate and financial institutions in an elaborate conspiracy through self-serving statute, media control and mutual patronage. They appear human, but they can be recognised by their beady eyes and lack of any trace of social conscience. They are conspicuous in their insatiable greed and the lengths they will go to to justify their demands and to ensure they are met. They get everything they want, all the time, enslaving humanity so effectively that we now know no other way and believe the lies of our reptilian rulers.

By the 21^st century, according to Dave, they have attained such a grip that they form an omnipotent elite who set all terms of reference to the extent that they pretty well define our reality. They control the flow of all information and the vast bulk of the planet’s wealth. They can make or break countries – usually the latter - if their interests are even vaguely threatened.

If needs be, they will start wars using weapons made by their own kind. What say we have in our own destinies is enshrined in no more than a sham democracy, giving us the illusion that we are in charge. They have more power than any nation state and recognise no national boundaries. They live amongst us, but are not of us. They can influence us in any way they see fit and we are powerless and seemingly unwilling to resist. Dave in his madness believes this has happened.

I have doubts about the alien body-snatchers and even more about David Icke. It has always struck me as strange that while throughout recorded history there have been many who have claimed to be saviours of humanity, none has yet convincingly demonstrated his powers - I think it’s fair to say that the present precariousness of our planet doesn’t mark us out as having benefited from divine intercession, let alone been saved, except as data on a global network of computers involved in wholesale mass surveillance of everybody and run by a handful of shady multinationals with more clout than democratically elected governments in sovereign nation states.

One can see the attraction in all this for conspiracy theorists. However, I’m less upbeat than the X-files fans and apocalypse freaks. They have too much faith in their foes’ abilities. A decent conspiracy requires organisation and planning. The bigger it is, the more ingenuity and co-operation is required by the conspirators. The political and economic chaos playing out in front of our increasingly bewildered and incredulous eyes doesn’t strike me as being organised in any way. This isn’t the work of an advanced life form from another dimension.

Between the start of the polling in the latest election in Greece and just after lunchtime the next day, the markets suffered an outbreak of collective neurosis and variously rallied, slumped, bounced back and took fright in every financial centre around the world simultaneously. An increasingly elaborate array of economic indicators behaved like monkeys on dance drugs while we apparently went through several economic cycles in 24 hours. Wealth was disappearing and reappearing in Grand Cayman as if abducted by aliens.

Even our infinitely elastic political leaders are having a hard time saying anything that isn’t flatly contradicted within 30 seconds of broadcast. Nobody seems to have the faintest idea what’s going on or what to do and every intervention simply compounds matters. Giant lizards would probably make a better job of it

Today, billionaires shamelessly gorge themselves while entire countries are sentenced to penury. Our public services are being cut by unilateral decree issued by an unelected, untouchable elite who hold the vast bulk of humanity in utter contempt. Public servants have been rebranded by tabloid imbeciles as “public sector workers”, i.e., a self-interest group living off the State, not as those who serve us all and who pretty well define all we hold dear in civil society. Bankrupted banks are still failing and still helping themselves to eye-watering rewards. They tell us we are all in it together. Our media, police and political worlds are being revealed to have suffered systemic, institutionalised corruption for decades. We are sitting here, taking it. And you think David Icke is crazy?

You are Bald, Mr Cable

“You are bald, Mister Cable,” the young man said,
“And your skin has become very blue;
“And yet you stand all your beliefs on their head –
“It is hard to believe this is true.”

“In my youth,” Mister Cable explained to his son,
“I thought it might harm my career;
“But now that it’s perfectly clear I have none,
“I might as well settle down here.”

“You are bald” said the youth, “And I’ll say it again,

"And your attitude seems very lax;
“You claim to be evenly sharing the pain
“But seem quite disinclined to raise tax.”

“In my youth,” mumbled Vince, as he shook his bald head,
“I kept all of my ideals intact.
“But the use of this snake oil – kills scruples stone dead –
“Has now somewhat altered the fact.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “And your story is weak.
“And you will not acknowledge you blew it.
“Yet the banks still run riot; you’ve been feeble and weak.
“Pray, why in God’s name did you do it?

“In my youth,” said Vince Cable, ”I lived by the law,

“And argued each case on its merit;
“But the balance of power became all that I saw,
“I’ll retire soon. You lot can inherit.”

“You’ve been had,” said the youth, “and it’s hard to see why
“That you still feel inclined to continue.
“Yet you’d balance the books on the back of a lie
“And pursue down a path that will ruin you."

“I have ignored four questions, and that is enough,”

Said Vince Cable; “I don’t have a say.
“Do you really believe I can cope with this stuff?”
Said the youth, “Well, then, Baldy. Good day.”

Martin Morrison

March 9^th 2012

From a Privatised Railway Carriage

Slower than cars and slower than horses
Ground to a standstill by free market forces.
And as they reduce our society to rubble
We give them exorbitant sums for their trouble.
Shareholders prefer to travel by plane.
They aren’t so daft as to travel by train.
And ever again, in the blink of an eye,
Businessmen carefully carve up the pie.

Here’s a director demanding a pay hike
He and his friends take exactly what they like.
Here is a passenger who stands at the station,
Waiting and waiting for some explanation.
There goes a banker with somebody’s cash.
There goes a country which died in a crash.
And there’s what we had and there’s where we stood.
If we don’t wake up soon, we’ll lose it for good.

M.E.Morrison, March 2012

The Evil Twin of Gunga Din

You may talk o' your fair share

When you're quartered safe out there,

An’ you send for more champagne an’ pension pot it.

But when it comes to money,

We no longer find it funny

When you take the bleedin’ shirt off us that’s got it.

Now, in Blighty’s rainy clime,

Where we now all spend our time

A bailin’ out 'Er Majesty the Queen,

Of all them smug-faced crew,

The vilest man I knew,

Was that mercenary scoundrel Fred Goodwin.

Hungry? Eat the rich

Crivvens, verily and foresooth, Fred Goodwin's been stripped of his knighthood. We might as well go home, lads. The revolution’s over and the good guys won. That £14 million pension pot and guaranteed, index-linked £340K a year for life will be scant recompense for his being addressed as Mister by the few people who like him; the rest of us already had a suitable title for him, one in the vernacular idiom, and he's keeping it but he’ll never have to stand in a dole queue with us.

Of course, the very idea that the man should have been accorded any enhanced status by endorsement of the state as proxy of the crown - or vice versa; these things are never clear - given what we now know of his record over the piece, offends most sensibilities, but in a country where traditions of state ceremony are as fiercely protected as they are here, this compulsion must surely be consistent if nothing else. The prime function of the ceremonial state is to define and maintain its structures; evenhandedness is more than just an imperative, it is its very purpose. Surely in a country as fond of pomp as these sceptred isles there should be protocol for such eventualities?

So long as there exists a suitable reciprocal procedure in event of the dishonouring of a title, one which is accorded equal status with the original investiture, I‘m all in favour of the honours system (with some essential modifications and redefinition of what constitutes outstandingly honourable deeds, naturally) Ordinary citizens on minimal incomes who work for£20 cash undeclared can expect to have their benefits stopped and to be vilified in the press and pub. The disabled know better than to venture outside at all, as the presence of a pulse is now considered clear evidence of fraud of the sort the tabloids and their readership salivate over.

Knave declines tart options

In a surprise move that sent shockwaves through the City of La La Land, it was announced today, contrary to widespread speculation, that the Knave of Hearts had decided not to steal any tarts at all this year, despite having the opportunity to take as many as he wanted. It is believed that the Knave, who is a renowned expert and avid collector of fine tarts from all around the world, had quite enough tarts and other confectionary already and didn't really need any more.

It is thought that pressure had been brought to bear on him by representatives of the Queen, who had gone to considerable effort to bake them, and all on a summer's day, too. She had apparently muttered some rubbish about many of her subjects "barely being able to afford bread." It was feared that the King himself might have beat the knave full sore on noticing them missing.

In other news, it was reported that organised gangs of overweight cats were continuing to remove seemingly endless quantities of cream from the dairy and nobody seemed to be trying to stop them. Each was taking a turn at helping themselves while the others stood by, diligently ensuring that each gets as much as he wants.

 

One was seen playing a fiddle, one disappeared into its own grin and another was last seen sailing away in a luxury yacht described by police spokesman, Officer Dibble, as “beautiful" and "pea-green”. It has not been confirmed as yet whether or not he was in the company of a foreign national known only as The Owl. It is thought that they may be in possession of plently of money, which has been concealed in a large denomination bank note, as well as an undisclosed quantity of honey.

It is not yet understood if these crimes were connected to an incident earlier in the day, when a small dog was heard laughing at a dish, who was reported to have been seen leaving the country in some haste in the company of a spoon. A lawyer for another suspect, a well known cow, said his client was "over the moon".

Later in the day, a number of bears were seen entering a wood, apparently for a picnic. It was not yet clear whether they intended to defecate, but we spoke to an expert in bears who said, "Yeah, well. They're bears, after all. Knowing them, they probably will." 

Cutting benefits of doubt

At first glance, George Osbourne's announcement that Child Benefit will be cut for high earning families may seem eminently sensible and even politically digestible and therefore should be welcomed. Mr Osbourne himself said that he was doing this as a "matter of principle", so we should be grateful at his equanimity and generosity as well as infinitely credulous. This gesture has that lovely tint of redistributivism, of punishing and rewarding, a kind of fiscal S&M. It appears to show the rich taking on a reasonable burden and, by dint of them, for once, not being the ones getting clubbed, the poor seem to be benefiting. We didn't used to be so easily pleased, but we take our pleasure where we can these dark days.


Personally, I have issues with Mr Osbourne's stated political principles, so anything marching under their banner needs frisked before I fall in behind. In the short term, it will get up the noses of many instinctive conservatives, which many of us see as self-evidently a good thing. We will laugh at their hypocrisy when the scream about the injustice of having their benefits cut.

As political stunts go, it takes some beating and came right out of Whitehall's top drawer, with a spin John Major tried and failed to master in Thatcherism 2.0. Judging by the Venus flytrap-like reflexes of our political media, Osbourne seems to have landed triumphantly on his feet. At last, he was seen to be wielding the axe directly at those who could afford it for a change. It's a pity he didn't think of this earlier, but no matter.

His consistency cannot be questioned either. Picking on one easily demonised group is always a winner as by doing so he defines a majority by default. It doesn't matter that it is a completely phony one; by mixing and matching like this, everybody feels both vindicated and under siege. Nearly everybody, anyways. And of course, those who are already sharing far more pain than they can reasonably manage aren't going to shed tears at the plight of Tarquin, 29, and Tabatha,26, design consultants from Islington, for whom child benefit was a fraction of the au pair's spending money.


It is probably precisely because of this that we should be suspicious. George Osbourne's philanthropy has, to date, generally come at a considerable price to those who can least afford it. At least with previous attacks on the common weal he had the decency not to seem too pleased about it. He wasn't actually grinning ear to ear anyway, which is always something. Such modesty seems to have escaped him this time.

The Tories 2012: 7th movement

In her New Year speech, German chancellor, Angela Merkel, warned us that 2012 will be worse than 2011. It is not clear whether this was meant as a warning or a threat. It probably rather depends on to whom the admonishment was addressed. Not all interests coincide and some are mutually exclusive; I've found to my cost that mine, for instance, seem to get a rough ride when those of the banks are given overarching priority and I don't think I'm unique here. However, for the purposes of argument if nothing else, it is probably wise to proceed with her expressed views in mind. Rest assured, the markets are doing just that and, for now, we have little choice but to pay attention even if we don't see any fundamental reason for either the unrestrained avarice that drives them or the misery they aver to be unavoidable and absolutely necessary for - the best bit - the common good.   

Just to ensure individual and collective despair should be unmitigated, Nikolas Sarkozy shrugged his shoulders and reiterated an academically valid but none-the-less largely platitudinous comparison with the 1930s - I'm assuming that no matter how tough it gets, genocidal fascism isn't going to mount a comeback; I have to assume this, otherwise the tenor of the debate changes.

The Tories 2012: 6th movement

It is worth remembering that the royal mint prints currency entirely randomly. Nobody has any idea how much folding stuff is in circulation, but by the officially accepted figures, bank notes account for only 3% of money in the U.K. It is not prosperity and fiscal probity that averted runs on the banks long ago; it is the fact that everybody knows that the system would have run dry ten minutes into the banking day and left the tiny minority who got their money out subject to the wrath of the majority who didn't.

Unlike in a purchase, where existing entities demonstrably change hands, in the money houses, all parties leave with more than they entered with. Their wealth did not exist before the point of transaction. The poor and the struggling keep the economy ticking over through keeping the money flowing and borrowing when it runs dry. Through investing entirely in abstracts, the wealthy cause stagnation. Our economy is predicated on growth in perpetuity that always, if only just, exceeds our steadily rising demands, allowing a lot to be skimmed off by the parasitic wealthy without the rest of us responding with anything other than resigned acceptance and the occasion dubious pie-chart in the tabloids. When growth slips below a threshold considerably higher than anything imaginable today, in order to keep his own take at the level he has become accustomed to, the rentier drags his very own market economy into recession.

The Tories 2012: 5th movement

For more people than might actually be prepared to acknowledge it yet, a threshold of catastrophic hardship is fast approaching and this could well be the year it is tripped over. Not all those who survived 2011 will survive 2012. The herd is stampeding. Stragglers will choke on the dust and be picked off by the hounds, the vultures cleaning up with their pay day loans at 2000%. The values of houses, mortgages, pensions and investments are purely hypothetical to most, but it is this narrative that preoccupies even the political left in the third millennium. Commodity prices, inflation, fuel duty and the rest are recurring themes in all debate, but they don't hit the middle as hard as they hit those down here and so are relegated.

Put simply, while rising fuel prices might mean trimming one of this year's holidays for some, saving a bit less for others, even “eating in to savings” for the “desperate,” for many it can mean hardship on a more steeply sliding scale anywhere from simply driving less through eating less to selling the car and watching their children go without things that recent generations took for granted. For some, bankruptcy and homelessness are considered to be the only “escape.” In a conceit of some magnitude, a new industry is emerging predicated entirely on the human misery of unmanageable debt Cameron's precious City requires to keep its interests sweet.

The Tories 2012: 4th movement

As the perfect politician would be so excruciatingly annoying as to be unelectable, we try to choose the ones that come off the least worst when set against various scales of sincerity, mental agility, empathy and a whole raft of qualities we would ideally like to see in those appointed to oversee our affairs and intercede where and when necessary. Some glaring flaws may be overlooked if a candidate shines in one particular aspect. Margaret Thatcher may have made a virtue of her lack of empathy, but she had considerable populist and analytical skills and, self-evidently, was a devastatingly successful political operator. Neil Kinnock is a smashing bloke and one of our last conviction politicians. Given the state of the rest of the field, his sincerity was unimpeachable and he had, until one fateful moment, considerable oratory punch. But he had the political skills of a drunk at a wedding. Ultimately, though, each fell to their own shortcomings and will be remembered for little else. Thatcher for denying society's existence, Kinnock for an unnecessary and cringe-worthy celebratory high-fiving at a pre-election rally in 1992 that undoubtedly won the election for John Major, whose blandness was somehow mistaken for reliability.

The Tories 2012: 3rd Movement

Cutting public spending is not a simply a process to the Tories, or even a plan. it is a reflex. It is an end in itself. It is what they do, what they live for. Increasing it has never been on a Tory manifesto, even though, as they never tire of telling us, they have always done just that even when they have been claiming the opposite, just like today, indeed. But this merely emphasises just how ideologically driven this lot are. And by keeping up this pretence for the benefit of nobody other than the hectoring buffoons on their backbenches - stop borrowing tomorrow and the lights will go off the next day as the country gets repossessed - they part company with Thatcher, who made a virtue of her ideological purity. If policy objectives looked like not being met or, as is the case with the Coalition's austerity fetish, demonstrably crashing to ground in a fireball, rather than pretend otherwise, which would have made her look foolish and was best avoided, the responsible minister got well and truly handbagged. George Osbourne would not have been grinning like the goofy imbecile he is under Mrs Thatcher; and he's no Geoffrey Howe, so unless he's got some good pictures of David Cameron in his Eton yearbook, ones that aren't on Facebook, yet, he should watch out.

The Tories 2012: 2nd Movement

The only solutions being espoused just now are short-term and almost invariably revolve around satisfying the self-declared imperatives of one group of people, usually the same group of people; those with their names on the wealth. This is just as it should be for social Darwinists, but no comfort for those about to be evolved into penury. 

All the evidence, in the last days of the U.K. at any rate, suggests that our leaders' views of what constitutes recovery and economic well-being are markedly at odds with those of the bulk of the population. A Tory government is testament to the quality not of their politics, but of their own free market propaganda as many who voted for it clearly have no logical reason for doing so if all scores are totted up. This has largely been achieved by the same Public Sector Bad/Private Sector Good mantra beloved of Thatcher and creating, all too successfully, a phoney battle that, quite coincidently, splits opposition down the middle and pits worker against worker.

The Tories 2012: an 7 part symphony: Ist movement

In leiu of a New Year's greeting, I bring you a beginner's assessment of the coming year and an introduction to the political themes I somehow suspect will dominate the coming months. Any inferred inconclusiveness is not so much unintentional as unavoidable and, frankly, expedient; any conclusion that might be relevant today will almost certainly be irrelevant next week.

As keeping this to the 1000 word limit our modren world seems to have imposed is impossible, this has been randomly and retrospectively chopped into eight movements for the benefit of those whose time is already imposed upon more than they would like.

I would also like to welcome viewers from Russia and Ukraine who have stumbled into this dusty corner of cyberspace, according to Lord Google. Tell me, how are you finding capitalism? Good, isn't it?