Running on empty

I hear today that both Gaddafi's forces and the rebels are getting low on ammunition. I have also noticed since the beginning of this conflict that members of both sides like nothing more than firing thousands of rounds in the air in gestures of defiance towards their respective foes whenever a Western news team hoves into view.

I suggest that in order to expedite a cessation of hostilities, we do indeed put boots on the ground, in the shape of as many TV camera crews as we can muster and film each side relentlessly 24/7 until they run out completely. I might add that those prosecuting the present action should perhaps view such a satisfactory conclusion as instructive and fundamentally revise and amend the pertinent export policies with this in mind.

Reverting to type

Ah, well. We may still be mired in dirty and unnecessary wars, but at least we’re not facing the economic and social catastrophe of the 70s. Cue Homer Simpson in a Halloween Special: or are we?

Says a lot, really, a typeface called Creepy. “Whata wasa thata, lady? Why sure! We gotta font forra everree occasion. Ay! Luigi! We gotta lady hera she wanta Penury in a 14!” That, believe it or not, is Informal Roman.

Applied Market Forces: first principles explained

It occurred to me that, what with Libya and all that, the bankers might think we've forgotten about them. We wouldn't want that, now, would we? Look what happened the last time the fog of war obscured them from the public gaze for too long. What naughty boys and girls they were. They would love nothing more than a good scrap with a real baddie, the better to resume looting unhindered. Good heavens! The media beanfeast over M.Ps' expenses provided sufficient cover for the biggest sting in history. A war? Really? Oh, we mustn't. We're spoiling them.

The bankers' jaw-dropping disingenuiety on the issue of their remuneration has now attained such Himalayan heights of intelligence insulting that we're all in danger of developing altitude sickness. With every swipe of the public credit card, our sensibilities recoil, our eyes glaze over to protect them and, do you know what? This is precisely what they want. As far as it goes, which isn't very far but, until we wake up, is as far as they need, their line of reasoning is sound enough, too; they are quite clearly getting exactly what they want with ruthless efficiency and nothing seems to stop them.

The Age of Entitlement

A shorter version of this was edited, with a breadknife it would seem, and appeared in The Herald 19th March 

The current furores over pensions, both private and public sector, and higher education funding, more than in any of the other political debates of the day, distinguish themselves not in what is discussed, but in what studiously avoids being discussed.

As one who comes from the butt end of the baby boom, but who has no pension provision and who has been holed below the waterline by the brazenly ideologically-driven economic policies of the Coalition, I can not speak too lowly of the bankers and their stooges, Osbourne, Cameron and company, but there are others I look at more than slightly askance. While the present Westminster government may be dead wrong in more ways than one could point a firing squad at, my sympathy for students and pensioners matches that which I have for the self-immolating Lib Dems.

Product Placement News

The broadcasting watchdog Ofcom announced today that television dramas and documentaries that have been funded in any way by businesses in exchange for having their products appearing in the programmes must clearly display the new official Product Placement logo, pictured below, during both the opening and closing credits. 

The decision was welcomed by the Advertising Standards Authority, who for many years had been lobbying for regulation and transparency in what had hitherto been a grey area. 

The regulation covers all television programmes. From now on, when covering news from the Middle-east and North Africa, all news broadcasters will be obliged to use this revised map of the region.



Ad Libya

Libyans; a rum lot, what? The people of that benighted land clearly show scant regard for script reading, that’s for sure. Why won’t they just walk like Egyptians? Since the  euphoria of the halcyon days of a few weeks ago, when our media platoons were all looking for trips abroad, the deafening sound of nothing happening has been ringing out from all points Mediterranean and Middle-eastern. From Morocco, Algeria and Bahrain? Silence. Syria, Iran and Jordan? Silence. Kuwait and Saudi? Silence, please. A lack of interesting footage has helped Tunisia and Egypt slip off the news agenda while they perform their own administrative Feng shui. The only revolutions occurring there seem to be in government building doorways.

In this land of ill-defined borders and disputed jurisdiction, the West, we have been all too readily swept along by our own media talking breathlessly of "revolutions brought about by Twitter and Facebook" - a pig ignorant conceit that has done  a few billionaires no harm at all - and predicting "a domino effect throughout the region" as if a logical sequence of events with a beginning, middle and happy ending was in train.

Worse still, shamefully duped by the myth of social networking as democracy in a cape sweeping in to oust the bad guys, young, desperate but naïve  North Africans got swept along too, believing that all they had to do was tweet and the formless notions of "change" they believed would bring them prosperity, the wish for which lies at the bottom of all this, would materialise overnight. Of the many examples of post-colonial bad faith in our portfolio, wilfully allowing these people to infer  that we would come to their aid when we had not the intention, the resources or the stomach to do so must count as the scum floating on an ocean of perfidy. All we have done is let our hyperactive media play Chinese whispers, encouraging fire-raising and letting the wind do the rest. If the smoke blows our way, we have only ourselves to blame.  

Scottish Labour Pains

Unpublished Letter to The Herald, spat out 3rd March.

A reaction to yesterday's vote in Holyrood in which a motion to ask Chancellor George Osbourne to rethink a proposed hike in fuel duty was passed by 83 votes to none, with 46 abstentions by Scottish Labour.

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Is there anything Iain Gray and company won't disagree with? They seem to bind free thought amongst their ranks the way the Chinese used to bind women's feet, with similar effects on the end product, leaving a twisted, stunted and deformed mindset. 

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard that they had abstained on a vote to ask George Osbourne to think again on raising fuel duty. It is to be hoped the S.N.P. make full use of this one in the election campaign. An abstention in a parliamentary vote should mean one of two things: "We haven't made our minds up" or "We have no opinion on this". Scottish Labour seem to have come up with a third; "Ya boo, sucks." 

To my mind, they've just demonstrated exactly why they aren't fit for office: they are clearly stupid. On one issue on which a near unanimity of view exists throughout Scotland, they have just stuck two fingers up at the electorate out of infantile spite. Voters tend to react badly to such behaviour. 

Even those who don't support the S.N.P. have expressed admiration, albeit often grudgingly, at the way they formed a minority administration and have seen out a full term. This example of consensus politics, where compromise has been demonstrated as a mature response rather than a weakness, has been a breath of fresh air in the fouled atmosphere of Scottish and U.K. politics. 

With enemies like this, the S.N.P. hardly need friends. By this measure, to ensure another term, they should put before Parliament a motion ceding office to Labour. What Ian MacWhirter recently described as "brain-dead oppositionism" would ensure that it was voted down by 83 votes to none with 46 abstentions.

Revolution news

Our correspondent has just returned from a meeting with the beseiged leader and sends this report:

'Thank you, Martin. His position is looking less tenable with every passing day. He spoke for hours and seemed completely out of touch with reality, oblivious to the widespread unrest. He droned on for so long, even some of his staunchest supporters couldn't stifle their yawns. Many had quite clearly lost faith in him and were looking anxiously about, ready to switch sides when the revolt became too much. Myself and other journalists were allowed to interview him. The following indicates just how  delusional he has become in recent weeks.'

"There have been no riots, no demonstrations" he said, adamantly. 
"Did you see any?" he asked.
"Well, yes."
"Where?" asked the leader.
"On my way here. There were thousands demonstrating."
"They were demonstrating for me,  yes?"
"No. They were demonstrating against you."